Insecurities of Weight Gain

3/31/2016 02:17:00 PM

Whenever my family celebrates an occasion, food is expected to be in the equation. And like many Filipinos, my family is guilty of finding any reason to celebrate and eat (we celebrate life and its many blessings a lot, because why not? Lol.) My grandmother just recently celebrated her 82nd birthday, and with such a great milestone in her life, she wanted to grab a nice lunch with the fambam over some Chinese food. I may have gorged a little bit more than I should have over lunch (which I'm quite surprised I did so on account of my not being a huge fan of Chinese food; I don't hate it, but I'm more into Japanese, Korean, Italian, and American food). And with a great appetite comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, these past few weeks, I haven't really been the responsible little noodle I know I should be. I've been openly binging on fantastic home-cooked food (which I love my dad a whole lot for, wishing I was gifted by the culinary gods like he is) that I noticed how much weight I've gained since last year.

I remember struggling a bit when Kenny and I were taking this set of photos. It was a hot day and we wanted to take these photos ASAP so we can go back home and curl up on the couch with a fan directed at us and a glass of water in hand. But it took a while for me to get comfortable in front of the camera, trying to find an angle that won't make my insecurities show. I'll be the first to say that I know I got a little food baby underneath the dress I'm wearing. My arms and thighs aren't as toned as they were before, and it's beginning to be quite a challenge to angle my face so as not to look like I have a double chin or look like I'm a no-neck monster (all those years binge-watching ANTM, I can't let Tyra down, lol). In my head I was already aware that I was psyching myself out even before I started playing the game, which is so unlike me. I felt so uncomfortable in the first few shots we took that even Kenny was starting to worry about me 'cause I was so out of it. The fact that I was feeling bloated from PMS wasn't helping either (the struggles women face is simply incredible, thinking about it). Some people might argue that I look fine. But personally, I'm worried because I know I could be better.

I don't really like weighing myself when I know I've gained weight, because a part of me feels bad for gaining said weight. I don't know why this is how we humans normally think. Like it's something to be ashamed of when you know you gained weight, lost weight, or don't possess a certain kind of ideal body type that is considered to be "Socially Acceptable". People look at you and think "Oh, she's too fat/skinny.", "She's not curvy enough", or "She's not pretty enough." Gaining weight is indeed a natural thing in life. We reach a certain age and our metabolisms are expected to slow down, causing us to burn our food intake slower in the process (of course, everyone's body is different from each other so this may vary as well). Regular exercise is needed to speed up our metabolism in order to stay healthy while making better choices in the food we eat. But in reality, it's not all that easy to stay fit and healthy. There are a few things that hinder us from finding time to actually get fit and stay fit.

One other concern I'm facing is determining whether or not I'm just making excuses or really making a solid point that living a healthier lifestyle is really easier said than done. Finding time and energy to exercise is not an easy feat. I know, I tried. One of my New Year's Resolutions included staying healthy, and it's already the end of March (as of writing this) and I sorta am on a detour on that fitness thing.

Working full-time and commuting in Metro Manila is taking its toll on my body, and all I really wanna do when I get home is crash into bed (if I could stay awake for dinner). On weekends, I savor the fact that I can sleep in and rest after a long week of work. I also catch up on chores like cleaning and doing laundry. Plus, my loved ones and I always go out later in the day. Finding time to squeeze in at least half an hour of exercise is nearly impossible! Like what I said, I'm not sure if these are legit reasons that are understandable, or I'm just making excuses, or both. I have to keep in mind that living a healthy lifestyle is indeed a choice to be made, and it is possible to accomplish. It's never going to be easy, and it takes a lot of discipline and determination to stay on track. Something I wish I could gain back soon.

Fortunately for me, I pushed myself hard enough to get some good shots in when we took these photos. I was still tempted to Liquify my body on Photoshop to push a few love handles away, but I stopped myself thinking this post could always be a reminder for me to stay positive and confident with however I look. In the meantime, as much as I would love to have my 2013 body back (minus the stress I was experiencing back then of course), I will just have to learn to work with what I have for now until I can fully achieve the best body I can have that's right for myself. And for those who are also struggling with the same insecurities, let's work on this together, shall we? You're not alone, and you shouldn't ever be alone. Perhaps if we stay strong together, we can get through this hurdle and achieve our end goal: staying healthy.

Dear Insecure Sephie, Aja! Fighting!

SM Woman top, Veranoph dress, Disney watch, Forever 21 bag and necklace, SM Parisian sandals  |  Photos by Kenny  |  2016.03.12

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